Snatching: The Answer to Everything in Life

Snatching will improve your life. It will make you better at absolutely everything: work, cooking, poker, and beer pong. Especially beer pong. If you snatch over 200lbs, snatching will also get you laid. (I might be making that up, but you want it to be true, right? It’s okay: believe in the dream, friend.)

Snatching will grow brain cells, blood cells, and bring back hair in places you actually want it. It will cause you to invent more creative names for your children. Names like Vasily, Pyrros, and Mike Burgener. But not Mizister. Because no one should ever utter the phrase “Mizister has a great snatch.”

Most people don’t realize it, but snatching actually causes the sun to rise and set each day. Snatching invented penicillin. The 12 Apostles snatched, as did Sasquatch, Mother Theresa, and Bruce Springsteen. Also, the dinosaurs that Adam and Eve rode back in the days BC (Before Chalk).

Not everyone should snatch. Losers who are content to suck at life should definitely not snatch. The world needs them too. They make us all feel better. And maybe the lunch room ladies with the hairnets should not snatch. We need them to dish out the tater tots. Ah, screw the tater tots. The lunch ladies should snatch too.

So, you see, snatching is the solution to everything. Involved in some boring, blowhard political discussion? Just talk about the hook grip for ten minutes. You’ll feel better and you’ll bore any non-CrossFitters into shutting their traps. Your kid wants help on his math homework? Forget that. Teach him to snatch instead. Better he has a good second pull than a proper grasp of multiplication. Your boss asks you to step into a meeting? Just wave him off and snatch.

The snatch is the answer to everything in life. Get on it.

(Amazing, original artwork by yours truly. Ridiculous writing too. Accept and act at your own peril. If snatching hysteria lasts over four hours, see a doctor.)


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